Sweaty McSweats!

Profusely sweat on every weight bench, machine and cardio equipment piece you use and don’t wipe it off. For bonus points make sure you haven’t showered or worn any deodorant in the past 5 days. This is a great way to attract a mate due to the natural pheromones being emitted in the air. Use all the yoga mats and sweat on them too. Make sure to not wipe and roll the yoga mat back up with the moist side rolling in! This is a great way to share your essence with someone you truly care about but don’t want them to realize who you are

Rack-Me-Not!

Load the leg press to as much weights that is visually pleasing to the eye! Make sure to use the biggest weights you can find throughout the land and use every inch of that bar capacity! Remember, the more weight you put on a machine the stronger those high school football players will think you are. Once you see that 54 year old woman coming out of water aerobics walking towards your machine to use it after you’re done don’t forget to be courteous and leave all that weight on the leg press for her to do!

After you hit bench for the 8th time this week make sure to leave those weights on as well since you can’t be the only bench press addict wearing a “Beast Mode” tank and drinking pink creatine kool-aid in the gym!

InstaFIT!

Pose, snap, filter, post, pose, snap, filter, post, pose snap, filter, post, pose, snap filter post. Walk around aimlessly in the gym until you find the most badass looking machine/apparatus/equipment in there and repeat! Don’t forget hashtags! #lookatmeworkingout #lookatmelookatmelookatmelookatme #immoreinshapethanyouandyousuckbuticantreallysayittoyourfacesoletmeshowyouhowsuckyyouare.

CardioCallin’!

Whenever you do cardio, make sure to answer all your calls and talk as loud as you can because no one can hear you at the gym. The sound of sweat and smartphone clicks from selfies will drown out your conversation so have no fear, no one will hear! Feel free to elaborate on that rash you have been having the past few weeks or how you hate that new admin assistant at the office or how you hope your lady doesn’t figure out you have a tinder account.

Can You Spot Me Now?

If you’re alone at the gym always know that you can pretty much do any weight you dream of as long as you have a spotter. Where can you find one? The gym is full of spotters! Make sure to keep asking them to spot you for every set you have for the whole time you are at the gym. Even if they look really focused, just remind them that you need a spot and expect them to help you bench the 315 lbs you have always dreamed of. Remember, if you didn’t hit the weight they probably didn’t spot you right.

Coach Creep!

Remember that everyone at your local gym needs your help because you’re the strongest lifter in there and without you their exercise day is ruined! Call out everyone on the slightest of mistakes. Don’t forget that the ones who really need help with lifting are the cardio bunnies who wear the tightest yoga pants and brightest sports bras! Always help these ladies with their squat and make sure to stand behind them as they do the exercise they already know. As they cool down and stretch in the other room make sure you stare at them as long as possible so they know you are there double checking their form.

The Inventor!

OMG! Did you just have another brilliant exercise idea!? The world needs more of your creative work! YES, YES! Squatting on a stability ball while push pressing 225 lbs is a great idea! You must master it before you show the world so make sure you have tons of practice. Crawling Cable Dragonfly Jackhammer Tornados!? YES! YES! Please teach us oh Grand Master of exercise. Coaches from across the land will travel far and wide to watch your genius in action. Wait, what? Another one? The Burpee Back Flip Press Twist Downward Dog Child Pose Booty Burner!? YES! YES! How do you do it!?